Fighting the Dead

Today I installed a light.
My arms are sore, weak from balancing,
precarious,
a plate dangling from wires.

Fourteen wires peered out at me.
Sinister, angry, full of shadow.
I could not know what power lay within them,
should they choose to strike,
or remain frozen, lifeless?
My shoulders tense,
forgetting to blink,
autopilot kicks in,
I felt the surge of trepidation.
Would this be the one fatal touch?

They lay at my fingertips a maze,
a puzzle I could not eschew, a task too big,
too domineering,
like the tangled bead curtain that remains between me and the Man's World.
They taunted me with my own fear,
my own dependency on men,
the desire for weakness blurring my vision.

Ah Ha! I am Man.
Should I not believe man is woman?
The vile race goes on in my head.
I feel strong,
I desire weakness.
I am proud.
I want to cry.
Fuck this gender shit.

So what? I don't know everything.
I didn't peer out from the backseat
as my father drove downtown.
So what? I paid attention to my mother's voice
naming the Nasturtium.

I have this dream,
where I am stringing up the Christmas lights.
where I am boosting my car.
BBQing the steak.
Tightening the eve trough.
where I am installing a light fixture.
A man walks up to me and says:
I am so sorry you lost your dad.

What is this? Do I like to dwell in dark twisted thought.
Do I feel my pain has not been named, recognized.
Do I feel that I should be given more credit for the adversity I have overcome?
Do I feel robbed of something, the opportunity for first hand education,
the chance to argue my equality to a man who loves me more than a brother,
more than a mentor.

The concept of man,
will always remain cast in the image of my father,
a metaphysical greater being.
Bigger, older, stronger, in charge.
I cannot argue with the dead.
I cannot gain power points on that which remains
cemented in the fabric of life.
I can not level off
or evaluate with new found perspective.
He remains the shadow lingering above me.
I fight men,
I am simply trying,
once again,
to fight the dead.

Katelyn.