I was reading in Geez this article 'leaving the garden' and it was about the interdependence of humanity. How we all use and are used by others. This really frustrates me, and I have such bitterness towards people when I feel used. I wanted to explore a bit why I am so hung up on this. So, I realized that I hate being dependent on people, and I don't want others to think that I am dependent on them, or else they might be feel the right to use me in return. Why do I fight the natural cycle of life, the interdependence of my species? It doesn't seem natural. In fact, I think the whole spirit of selfishness is contrary to humanity's natural form. (Okay, this is sounding a bit like Christianity's notion of pre-expulsion, damn that deep running socialization, nothing is new rumination!) Imagine, though, a life without feeling this need to protect your interests against others'? Not feeling like you will get the small slice of the pie, or the worse apartment in the building. Not worrying that you need to be educated in every area of life, so as not to be manipulated at the car repair shop, or taken advantage of in the taxation center. I just feel such mistrust towards people, but Korea seems to be a break from that, they throw a question mark into the way I think. It is safe here and people don't steal things left out, or try to rip you off on prices. I am humbled at my self-interest.
I am scared to accept the gifts of others. Am I indebted? What will they ask in return? Better to refuse, and keep what I have, so that I do not become dependent on another, or used in the future.
What a sad sad existence. Monastic simplicity seems so freeing.
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